MONTH 10- First CLOMID/ IUI CYCLE December 2011

Well we decided on moving forward with the clomid/ iui this month. If nothing is wrong with us maybe we have been timing it wrong some how, and hopefully this will work.
 Clomid (50mg was my dosage) is a medicine to make me "super ovulate" as they called it. They checked me through ultrasound about cycle day 3 when I was still on my period to make sure I didn't have any cysts, because if I did the clomid would make them grow. I was fine.. So I took it cycle days 5-9  to develop big follicles that have eggs in them. The clomid gave me cold clammy skin, hot/cold flashes, I would randomly see silver spots kind of like a small alien flash of light, ovary area on both sides felt swollen, my brain would randomly go blank when I was talking or thinking about something. This happened quite often. I didn't like this drug, but of course I just took it for the greater good.. 
 Then they did another ultrasound on cycle day 10 to see if the clomid did it's job. Only one 19mm follicle!? =/  Umm don't I make one on my own? I was hoping for maybe 2 or 3. O well at least they will know when its gonna drop. That's right they make it drop by having you give yourself a shot called ovidrel.  It's HCG hormone ( the pregnancy hormone the baby creates), so your body thinks its pregnant and it will then drop the egg out with in 24-36 hours. My hcg shot was 6,500iu's taken on cycle day 12. My mother in law gave it to me because we were on a trip together, and I was scared to do it myself. It was funny I kept telling her "WAIT NOT YET!!" Lol! I was so scared, and it was the tiniest needle ever. Finally she just did it. I was waiting to feel sick, but all I felt was about 10 minutes later my right kidney area got a burning cramp for a minute or two.. Then I went and laid down for bed. I awoke about an hour later with the CRAZIEST feeling ever!! I was warm all over my body and and super super HORNY. I popped my eyes open, and was thinking WHAT IN THE WORLD!!!! It was almost painfully horny. My husband was back home in another city, and I was with my mother in law and her sister in the house. That would just be weird to take care of it if you know what I mean ; ) So I just kinda giggled, and thought wow this is crazy just gonna have to try and ignore it.Then I went back to bed.

 Monday morning cycle day 13 I went in for the IUI also known as artificial insemination. I made them give me a valium since they were sticking a catheter into my cervix again. Which if you read how my HSG test went you can understand why I'm horrified of the pain involved with the cervix. I recommend you take at least half of one if you have to have anything done involving the cervix to numb it out!  Brandon came in a few hours prior to my appointment so he could give his "sample". They have a process they do with it in the lab where they wash all the seminal fluid out, separate the good strong sperm, and add in this creepy milky pink liquid for the sperm to swim in. So my dr came in and read the name on it and showed me. It was a small vial around the size of my pointer finger about half way full of the milky pink mixture. So I laid back put my legs in the stirrups, and the Dr went in with the catheter. It was weird because even though I had a valium  I felt it touch the top of my uterus. I screamed " EWW UGLY!!" Lol! Random thing to say guess I was trying not to cuss.. Two seconds later it was done.  the Dr told me to just lay there for 15 minutes then we are free to go. I asked Brandon if he used the movies or magazines earlier when he gave his sample. He laughed and said yes. Haha!

MONTH 9- Finding out I would not be giving my mother in law her first grand child =(

I have actually put of doing this particular blog entry for a while because I would have to say this was the most devastating blow of the entire not being able to get pregnant situation, and it makes me feel sorry for myself to relive it, but here we go...

Let me just try to paint you a quick mental picture of my mother in law.. She is AMAZING! Super sweet, giving, fun, down to have some drinks with me or go shopping, young spirit, easy to talk to , and always has great advise. She  is for sure the most creative crafty person I have ever met. If you look at my wedding pictures below she made or put everything together, and not in a cheesy home made way, but a fabulous "I can't believe you did that!!" kind of way. She loves decorating, throwing bridal/ baby showers for people.. Every one just loves her.. I could not have been blessed with a better mother in law.

So when we started trying I was so excited to start decorating a baby room 
( Me and mother in law of course) research all the cool stuff out there.. Just talking to her and us being excited about the new baby and putting everything into place just like we did with the wedding. We didn't tell her until November that we had been seeing a fertility doctor because we didn't want to worry her. Finally because we were so stressed out with it, and talking to her always made me feel like I was keeping a huge secret Brandon, and I decided to tell her. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders to be able to talk about it with her. So I told her all about the testing and what we plan to do next..

In late November we were driving to the in laws ranch to spend the weekend when Brandon's only brother calls him (It's just the two boys no sisters). All I could hear Brandon say was "O Wow that's awesome man!! Congratulations! I'm so happy for you" I was texting back and forth with a girlfriend at the time , and thought hmm wonder what they are talking about and wouldn't that just be so sad for Brandon and I to hear they were pregnant before us?!?! Then I thought no way they got married after us, they are younger, they are not trying.. Ok quit thinking irrational scary thought back to texting.. So Brandon gets off the phone a few minutes later, and I look over at him jokingly and say " They aren't pregnant are they?" He had a sad look on his face and said  "Yea they are"... I immediately burst into the ugly cry!! =( That's so devastating for me I thought to myself! My mother in law is so important to me, and now her first grand baby that I was so badly trying to give her was already on it's way. Look I understand they are our family , and have every right to have a baby when ever they want, and I am very happy for them. I just didn't think of that as a possibility. Hearing that was so unreal. I just could not process it. So I just cried. We were about an hour from their house, and I'm gonna have to face my mother in law and act happy for them? I can't take away her excitement by being selfish , and crying in front of her.. That's not fair. So we get there, and I just wanna say hi and go cry myself to sleep in private. Also to top it off Brother and sister in law would be there the next day. I felt so pitiful and sorry for myself. I was scared to cry in front of them too.

 ( From left- Mother in law, husband, Father in law, brother in law, sister in law.. I was taking the picture.)


So we are hanging out the next day and sister in law tells me " You know just throw away those ovulation kits, no more putting your legs up after sex, just relax have fun and make lots of love to your husband, and it will work"
 Yes I understand she meant nothing by it, but I had been trying to relax not stress! Along with everything else in the book for months!! So that hurt hearing something like that from her even though I know that was not her intent. I at this point was just so extremely sensitive, and on edge with this subject.
Like I said with finding out my good friend Julie was pregnant, and not me You are so happy for them but the realization of how everyone is getting pregnant except you, and also being reminded of it every time you turn around just hurts so bad. Jealousy kicks in and you are just angry.The fact that I didn't get to give my mother in law that great gift is still hard for me to come to grips with, but all I can do is keep on truckin along trying to get pregnant =/